Believe It Can Get Better

One of the hardest things for a victim of sexual abuse to do is to tell another person what happened to them.  It tears open all the wounds of the heart, putting every terror, every pain, every nightmare, out into the open for all to see and to judge you.  Whether the judgment is of compassion and support, or ridicule and doubt, it still is a judgment.  Trust can be built or ripped away just by how another person responds to hearing of the abuse.
I know a lot of people have used the #metoo movement to share their pain of abuse and that is a great start toward healing.  But hiding behind social media will not always remove the scars of abuse.  It is having to remove all of the barriers we hide behind and truly facing the abuse that starts the path to healing.  The quote "facing our demons" truly comes to mind in dealing with abuse.
In high school I told a peer about the abuse happening in my life, in hopes of finding support and possibly a way to heal.  Man that was a joke.  I was the laughing stock of the school, and every male that wanted to "get some" started hitting on me.  The idea was that I was already damaged goods so it wouldn't matter what they wanted to do to me.  It started a downward spiral in my life.  I realized I had nothing to give in a relationship but my body, since no one, including my abuser, cared about who I really was inside. My personality wasn't important, just how far they could get sexually.  Fortunately, there was a part of me that ran away each time and I kept some distance, but when I look back on my life it isn't one of pride.  It is mainly shame that I didn't love myself enough to stand up for me.
It's been more than 50 years that I have carried the burden of abuse. Every time I would be in a relationship with a guy, including my first marriage, things would go wrong.  I subconsciously found men who were the same type of person as my abuser.  Funny, I always swore I would be with a man who wasn't my dad, and yet I ended up with them throughout my life.
I have dealt with family members walking away from me, church members condemning me, and my childhood being displayed in a courtroom while the Bureau of Investigations and the prosecuting attorney presented evidence against my dad.  The victim of abuse goes through such horrors during the trial of the abuser.  The abuser gets to sit back and deny everything while the victim has to detail every horror and every nightmare over and over again. 
I had the greatest boss in Boise as I went through this process.  I would go through terrors and anxiety attacks every time the investigator would call and want to know more information against my dad.  My boss would be there emotionally to support me and help me get to a safe spot mentally.  Not many people get that kind of support.  Honestly that is how I can stand here today and say it gets better.
In going through the process of seeing my abuser go to prison, I know that I am safe, physically and mentally. It was hell having to tell my story, and after all I had given the courts they threw out my evidence because of the statutes of limitations, that really hurt.  It is only because of the other 100 victims that he was found guilty.
I still believe sexual abusers should NEVER be covered by a statute of limitations.  If there is evidence found even after 50 years as in my case, it should be allowed in the courts.  But that is why I am in law school right now.  I will find a way to remove that statute of limitations. 
I still have to deal with my children thinking I'm not all there mentally and that I have issues.  I'm okay with that right now.  Mainly because when the agent from the Bureau asked if my children were abused by my dad I proudly answered no.  My children are the only family members of my dad that weren't abused by him.  So they don't understand why I have a few mental scars, which is a great thing. Because they don't know the horror of what the rest of the family went through.  They don't understand why I can't have a relationship with my mom. They feel I am a horrible daughter because I have had to create distance from my mom after dad's trial.  That's okay too.  My mom knew about the abuse but didn't think it mattered.  She always would say it was better than her being alone. She also told me it wasn't any big deal when they were showing my childhood abuse to the courts. "You were a little girl, it's no big deal," she told me. 
Yea, well, it is a big deal and so to remain mentally healthy I have decided to wait until the hereafter before we get together again.  I am doing better because of the distance between us.
You never get "better" after abuse, but you do have the opportunity to find a better life.  It takes big changes, removing toxic people in your life, acknowledging there are mental scars that will always be there, and realizing that abuse has defined your relationships with other people, for starters. 
Spend time with just yourself and get to know who you are, and how you can feel grounded in dealing with life.  Find friends that understand what you have gone through, this starts with removing romantic friendships for a while.  That really is the only way to get on the better life track.  Once you have found the gems that will be there no matter how many times you fall apart, that believe in you even when you don't, life gets better.
Start trusting people again, even if there are some that break that trust, pick yourself up each time and try again with someone else.  It has taken reaching out and then letting go of some wonderful people in my life, but I have found some true friends that I hold dearly. 
Life gets better, believe me.  It isn't easy at first. Please know that there are times when life is so beautiful it makes all the ugly of the past disappear.  There are times when the ugly will show up, but take a deep breath, look up to the Heavens and just thank God for all the beautiful moments and then let go.  It's funny, but by letting go I have learned that I can get through the ugly moments.  I know that God and my friends will be there to create the miracles to see me through.
Please believe it gets better, hang on and know that you are beautiful and loved for who you are.  The scars of abuse only make you perfect in the eyes of God.  He never condemns you for them, He loves you perfectly and He never evens sees them.
God be with you.