The Pain a Victim Who Testifies Against the Perpetrator

 In 2016, I had my dream jobs, I owned a successful catering business and was a park ranger in the summer.  I had friends that I loved dearly and enjoyed being with, my house was paid off and life was pretty good.  Then one day I received a call from my cousin telling me my dad had been arrested.  I couldn't believe it, we had tried for years to get something to stick on dad, and finally he was caught red handed.  I was working at Bryce Canyon when the Bureau of Investigations called and warned me of my dad's threats on my life.  Soon after I had strange people show up at the park looking for me.  I had 15 minutes to leave with all my belongings and hit the road.  Life became hell at this point.

I ended living in my car for several months, moving place to place to get away from my dad's contacts.  I had to change my name, leave my friends and family and go into hiding.  I finally landed in Boise, Idaho and the postmaster there gave me a job and a promise to hide and protect me from dad.  I sold my house, closed my business and pretty much disappeared.  I spent the next two years testifying and finding out the horrors of my past that my mind so conveniently blocked out.  I missed my family and friends, the loneliness was overwhelming at times.  After dad was put away for the rest of his life, I decided to move back to be by my children.  I still can't be in contact with my friends because of the danger of dad's contacts using them as leverage to get back at me.  This is so hard for them and for me, I get messages from them but I can't write back and it hurts.  But it is for their safety, I hope they know they are still in my heart but I could never live with it if my dad hurt them.

I have started over with getting a house and starting a new job, but the trauma of my childhood makes it hard for me to deal with people and with stress.  I have gone through several jobs, but keep running any time I have stress.  My fight or flight is in a continual on button.  I wish people knew what happens to victims that testify in court.  We loose everything, not only jobs, homes, friends, but mental safety.  I get overwhelmed because I am starting from ground zero at a time I should be getting ready to retire.  I don't know if I will get that luxury, I wish I knew how to get back to where I was before.  

People tell me to write my life story, but they don't understand the terror that comes from reliving my past each time I face it to write.  Yes I have gone through therapy, and EMDR had truly helped, but getting my story out is still way to painful.

I know that I made my life a success once and I can do it again, I can be the change I want in life.  Miracles happen every day and that God is there beside me.  I just need His guidance in my life right now to know which direction to go. 

I can do this. I know that I am stronger than this disaster my life is right now. I want to prove it to myself and to my parents, I am stronger than the pain they caused.  God will give me strength.

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