The Heartbreak of Suicide

I received a call earlier this week from the mom of one of my dear friends.

"Happy?" she asked.

"Yes," I said, wondering why she was calling; it had been over three years since we had talked.

"Sheila asked me to tell you that Hunter passed away this morning," she said, her voice breaking.

My heart sunk, "How?"

She began to stutter, not finding the right words.

"He decided to go back to Heaven on his own," I said.

"Yes," she sobbed.

I immediately rushed to be with Sheila, so many questions running through my mind.  The one that kept coming back was, "Why?"  I hadn't been to see Sheila and her kids since she married her new husband.  I figured they were happy and didn't need the intrusion, since they were still relatively newlyweds.  I was part of Sheila’s past, when we were neighbors in a condominium complex, and her first husband was dying from the complications of diabetes.  We were such close friends and her children were such a joyous part of my life.  When Hunter was little, we went camping in Bryce Canyon. I taught him to use a GPS and called him my “Navigator”. It's always stuck.  

He called me several months ago and even said, "this is Navigator".  I wish I would have known of his mental struggles and had talked to him more when he called.  

I will miss Navigator every day, but I am so grateful that he was a part of my life, in the past, in the present, and will again in the future.

As I drove to the mortuary, I thought through all the "what if's", the guilt that I hadn't done enough to help chase his demons away.  I understand about the demons, I have a few in my world.  I have had the same thoughts as Hunter, if we could just leave the pain of this world behind.  There are moments when emotional pain can be so much harder to bear than physical.  The mind never stops thinking, questioning, and aching.  It gets to the point that you just want it to all stop and have that elusive peace that never comes.

Hunter had to deal with a lot as a teenager. He was just 12 years old when his dad died, and Hunter had the responsibility of caring for him up until his death.  That loss is something that can take a lifetime to accept.  It never goes away, and why people think that we must "get rid" of loss and pain just doesn't make sense.  Learning to accept what happened, and finding ways to cope with it, is really the only way to create a healthier life.  

I could speculate on all the things that may have caused Hunter to finally succumb to the pain and take his life, but that doesn't solve what happened. Instead, I want to focus on what we do as fellow human beings for those who are struggling with mental pain.  Yes, I know people call it depression, or mental illness, yada, yada. But as someone who deals with it, can I just call it what it is, pain. 

I know that there were people in Hunter's life that thought they knew what was best for him.  I believe this created pain not only for him, but for his mom and sister, too.  Where in the hell do we get off telling someone else how to live their life?  Or that we don't think they are good enough?  

I know it's human nature, and yes, I have done it, too.  For that I apologize, I have no right to judge how someone should live their life, they have their own journey to travel.  My biggest guilt I am having to work through is telling Sheila not to marry again until her kids were older, to put her kids first.  I wish I could take that sentence back and never had spoken it. I sit here and think, “it's not my life, it's hers”, and her life story is different than mine.

I can't really say that her being married or not would have affected Hunter's pain.  But I do know that her new husband is there for her during her time of pain and that is wonderful.  I wouldn't want her to go through this alone and I am so glad he is standing beside her right now.  
  

Can I please, please, please beg people to stop deciding what another person is feeling and that they just need to change in order to be happy?  Help them accept who they are now, and that it's okay to hurt, that they are perfect just the way they are right now.  I'm not denying getting help and treatment, I am a firm believer in that, I'm just saying acceptance goes a long way in a life journey.  I've been on both sides of this fence. I know that even though we do insensitive things, and we hurt others, we can stop, and be better friends and family.  

So, I pray that you go out today and hug that person you know is hurting. Tell them it's okay to be who they are and that you are there to cheer them on when it's a good day and be a shoulder to lean on when it's a bad day.  

Just don't let go, please.

Please donate to Navigator's memorial